Burnt Out Nothing - 2: Seeking

All exits lead back to the entrance

Seeking is self and self is seeking. The process of seeking simultaneously implies a seeker (a self) and an eventual (to-be-sought) state wherein the seeker will be complete or whole. In seeking, we tighten the knot with every step, each step a false-aggrandizement of the very thing (self) that keeps us abreast of the Fire.

In seeking, that is: to find, to have, to hold, to see, etc. we are always chasing an elusive ‘piece’ of life (a thing) that is far-off, transcendent, out-of-reach, or yet-to-come. A clutching toward life that is reliant upon something purely elusive.

Seeking, then, is always against life in the sense that it seeks to squeeze, wrench, grasp, scrape, clutch, or covet it. To seek is to be unsettled. To seek is to be unsettled. To seek is not be what one Is.

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As already stated, the spiritual seeker is just another consumer, albeit a confused one. At some point or other in their life, the seeker has got it into their minds that there is something more, something beyond, something above, something outside, or something else, other than this, than Life. All of these vague terms gesture toward something undefinable, hidden, elusive, and/or esoteric. Basically, the seeker seeks that which can never be found (God, soul, self, the real me, deeper self, etc.) so that they always have an excuse to seek.

Ox Herding Picture No. 10

The seeker goes looking or seeking (for whatever reason) and does so with the unspoken acceptance that there will be something to be gained, some to be had. That, at some elusive ‘end’, be it temporary or final, there will be some thing (inclusive of knowledge) that can, metaphorically, be held or had as complete, done. That at some point they’ll finally be able to say ‘Hey! Look! I found the thing!’ and all will be well and good because we found the thing, whatever it is.

And yet, we’ve found a near infinite number of things, explanations, theories, models, systems, philosophies, spiritualities, religions, workings, exercises, practices, critiques, syntheses, separations, additions, divisions, understandings, and ideas. We could bracket all of these under the label ‘found’. That is, we found something, either individually or collectively, which we consider explanatory. Then someone else, individual or collective, comes along and counters our thing and finds their own thing. This goes on and on. No one is settled. In the realm of knowledge satisfaction doesn’t exist. Though subtle due to its abstract nature, knowing is to know and, as such, is just another desire. There is no difference between the history of philosophy and the cereal aisle at the supermarket.

Nothing has ever been found or held, because nothing has ever been solved. How could you ‘solve’ flux? Solve Life? Any solution is always going to be being against becoming, as if there was something that could stand the test of presence, of Fire.

The river washes all away, even this, even that, even God!

We believe, even with the acceptance of language’s limits regarding communication, that if we somehow develop the right theory, somehow get the words in the right order, somehow connect the right thoughts, that everything is going to fall into place. That if we just say the right thing, write the correct text, then Pain will cease, the Fire will stop, and flux will settle. Grotesque!

The act and process of seeking is one of intellectual aggrandizement. The belief that at a certain point, something will be found that will, somehow (?), complete the seeker in question, the seeker which is itself the seeking.

To repeat, at some point, the answer of something more has got into man’s mind, transforming him into a seeker that needs to answer the question of how to find that something more. The whole thing is a wild goose chase! Things are a chase!

The self loves this chase, because the self is this chase. The self is a false process of this and then this and then this, telling itself that it is throughout the entire process as some sort of center. Each thing that is sought in the process of seeking, be it a tarot reading or an entire religion, is self retained, is tomorrow bolstered.

The desires of the seeker—the sought—are not original desires from the mind of each individual seeker, but always what authority figures (Gurus, priests, psychologists, holy writ, etc.) want people to want. The answers are given, and the questions follow, creating the self.

Acts of seeking, spiritual seeking especially, are always inherently contradictory, always utterly blind, deaf, and dumb to the Fire.

Seeking happiness is to be unhappy.
Seeking contentment is discontented.
Seeking rest is exhausting.
Seeking peace is war.

Seeking is a lack, is a more. The seeker is, by definition, lacking and wanting. The seeker, as he or she that seeks, is therein, at war with themselves whilst simultaneously seeking peace. The answer to the seeker’s question is to stop seeking. The knot has to undo itself. The I has to betray itself. This can’t be done. There’s nothing to be done. The entire question of seeking needs to be burnt out. Any real answer negates itself—you’re done.

The seeker (the self) is the seeking. The seeker is the narrative of seeking, the belief of seeking. Conversely, seeking is the seeker. Seeking is nothing more than the belief that there is some apparent agency throughout seeking—there is no one there.

It’s actually irrelevant whether what’s sought is good or bad, positive or negative, pleasure or misery, all encompass the idea of trying to find something. And, even in both the positive (a ‘happy’ moment, like a birthday party) or the negative (a ‘sad’ moment, like a breakup), there is a temporary bolstering of the seeking (something has apparently happened) and therein, also, the seeker. Everything that seems to happen is used by the seeker to bolster its non-reality.

Whoever told you that you were lost in the first place?
What are you looking for?
Why?
What are you marching towards?
Why?
Maybe there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Maybe you just need to Be with the Pain.

We enter into a paradox, wishing no longer to tread near questions, we must ask, How does the seeker (I) stop seeking?

This is death.

If the seeker stops seeking, they’re done, gone, dead. Such a non-act would the end of anything that can attest to seeking, anyone that can have any knowledge of seeking. Giving up can only ever be giving up everything. Yes, even that.

You began seeking because of some elusive idea of more, because the everyday things of Life no longer interested you. Being unable to give yourself over to the Fire (vulnerability, softness, openness, Love!) you clamored toward and invented abstractions that hold no real weight: God, enlightenment, peace, or ‘the real you’, and you search for that as it’s somehow more importance because of its elusiveness. It must be important, right? It must be because we can’t find it or see it or feel it or describe it or agree about it and, strangely, all search for it is very rewarding. The seeker is suspicious!

You’re looking for a way out of Life. This is misery.

All salvation is false.

All exits are false.

All that energy. All those books. All those meetings. All those teachings. All of that stuff that fluttered on top of Life, masquerading as something more important than Life. As if, of Life, you could somehow find something greater or better than the Fire of Life itself! You fucking ingrate! Give that energy back over to Life! Live! Live!

What’s going to happen if you give up?
Nothing.
Nothing will happen,
No-thing will happen.
Nothing matters,
No-thing matters.
Throw in the towel,
’ave a dance!